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I was going to collect homeless people, but they lose a lot of their value as soon as you take them out of their cardboard boxes.
Every time I think Twitter is only for the intelligent and witty I look at the trending topics & remind myself all cities have a sewer.
4th grade daughter randomly asked: Would you rather be rubber or steel? Me: You have a bright future making Facebook quizzes.
Ironically, I resisted having a cellphone for years & laughed at people who couldn't live w/o them. Well played Karma, you're still a bitch.
Hell is having ADD with OCD. Not only are you distracted by all the shiny things, you have to make sure they are spotless.
Make plans like chaos isn't watching.
You may be hitting rock bottom but you're making a damn racket on my ceiling.
Women! I don't want to hear how much labor hurts. I was shot in the left nut by a paintball gun 3 ft away. I had to lie down for an HOUR!
I'm not staring at your boobs, my spirit animal is caught in your headlights.
My daughter had Pajama Day at school recently. It's nice to see the schools preparing the next generation for unemployment..
Reality checks never bounce.
Still searching for a way to monetize disappointing people without actually entering politics.
An attractive woman just smiled back at me as we passed in the intersection. This may invalidate my whole theory about being invisible.
Disposing of a dead Christmas tree is always a little traumatic for the kids.
I may have overdone it with the chalk outline and coroner.
The brighter you are the dimmer your view of the world.
My problem is I have *just* enough talent and charisma to never be reality tv star.
Want to draw a perfect spiral? Hold a pencil at arms length as your life goes down the drain.
The one thing about living alone again I'm most looking forward to is the constant nakedness.
You can't find happiness at the bottom of a bottle because that usually means your prescription has run out.
I'm not your average guy. I'm MUCH more averager than that. Project all your positive traits onto me in this space.
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