I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes

I'm a woman - if you don't reply to my text in 3.5 mins I'll assume you're with another woman, she's prettier than me & probably a scientist

My mother taught me how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism when I was 5

I've been an asshole ever since

Hey wankstick that tweets every 5 minutes shout outs and thank yous to new followers

You do realize this isn't the daytime Emmy awards?

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

Taylor swift is definitely a stage five clinger

When are you going to realize I'm just a 14 year old boy with a thesaurus

Stop telling your kids everyone that hates them is 'just jealous'. Maybe your kid is just a giant asshole like you?

When your child asks you a pressing question
Try answering with
'what do YOU think?'
Instead of filling them with your idealisms

Dude on FB updating status every 5 minutes random shit

I want to whisper
Come with me child, you're in the wrong place

I want to raise passionate kids
that ask questions
that don't accept the first answer
then discover their own answers

Women of the 70s were way hotter

Sunkissed noses
Freckled shoulders
Messy wavy hair
Natural boobs
Teeth with character

Legs everywhere

FB: Greg is 'in a relationship' with Alison
THAT'S NICE GREG,IM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DONUT
*furious jerk off motion*
*throws phone*

Lindsay Lohan is the hottest cougar around, she looks so good for 49

Heres a thought

If you drive a BMW and your plate is
MrBMW

You're a twat

Someone just asked if I can write java code..

I can barely clingwrap a sandwich people!

Manners are sexy

Pretty sure doves don't even cry. They just gather up all their friends & shit on your car.

The sexiest people on the planet are the ones who can dig down deep into that raw place and let. the. Fuck. Go

Women
Smile at awkward teenage girls
They need it
And while you're at it, compliment their mind too
We don't need any more ke$has