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Me via text: when does a fart become a hate crime?
Husband: I'm not coming home tonight.
Facebook. The coolest place in town! Just ask my mom, my boss, or my local news station.
Discovered my husband knows the words to "Achy Breaky Heart"...
Insert your own punchline while I find a new place to live, assholes.
If you like describing your poop- then marriage is for you!
Marriage: for those who are tired of smelling their own farts.
Favorite past time #4:
Watching TV stars as they go from "I need work"-skinny to complacent-chubby.
"Helpful Hints" on my microwave popcorn bag:
"Do not use popcorn button."
I Can't Believe It's got such shitty spoke-ladies....
I might hate "butter" now.
Is it considered 'hoarding' if you're DVR is full and you ask questions like "can't I just have another box so I can keep all these shows?!"
"Big Bang Theory"?
Big Bang Weary!
Am I right?!
"This can-opener doesn't work" responses:
Dating: "Sorry, let's get you a new one."
Married: "You sure you're using it right?"
Alphabet Soup #improvgroupnames
To the girls in their 20's who "love" Tom Waits:
We get it.
We admire your commitment...
He's probably going to fuck you anyway.
WWE: equal opportunity monologuing. English your second, third, or fourth language? Love Monologues but failed drama class? No problem!
"I Am Number Four" - for dudes who already saw "The Eagle"..... Twice.
TV-Land, the CW for 40-somethings.
TBS, the CW for 30-somethings.