@dannyzuker Danny, you're making me blush.

@dannyzuker Okay, Danny. Rob Delaney already favorited my tweet. Leaving it up to you to complete my night. Luv u, boo.

Mac's mom from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia makes me laugh so freaking hard.

@burjz ARE YOU ALIVE? OR DO I NEED TO SCATTER YOUR ASHES IN MATTHEW WEINER'S BACKYARD?

@burjz KEEP A BROWN PAPER BAG NEXT TO YOU IN CASE YOU START HYPERVENTILATING.

Security chick at the airport didn't think I was wearing shorts under my long t-shirt. Uh, it's too early for this shit.

Apartment hunting in Chicago is stressing me out, man.

@robfee you're my hero, rob. #yolo #kony2012

Chasing a cat through a Napa winery, glass of Merlot in my hand. #RachelBottlingerProblems

LET'S WRITE ALL OF OUR INSIDE JOKES ON BURNED CDS! -me and @whit_laaay, circa 2007

@whit_laaay I was trying to explain it to Nic but was laughing too hard.

@whit_laaay dang mom did go up that mountain in her jeep?

@burjz I make cake my bitch.

@burjz @boners can I be best friends with y'all? Plz?

I'm enjoying a Maker's and diet next to a man with a coon tail hanging out of his back pocket.

Wreck 'em pic.twitter.com/f6xKDlb8N5

Phalanges crossed.

KLIFF KINGSBURY IS FOLLOWING @thefiveduds. I'M DEAD. SCATTER MY ASHES IN THE JONES.

@burjz LET'S HEX THOSE BITCHES

@the_chadillac @whit_laaay "Go Bulldogs, you're #1."