I ran over a raccoon yesterday. But Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" was playing, so it was kinda beautiful.

America is a fat woman in Skecher's Shape Ups riding the escalator.

The key to staying thin is, instead of three regular meals, throw up six smaller meals throughout the day.

No one has it as bad as a fat chick with tiny boobs.

Following someone to their car and waiting for their spot is way more fun when the rest of the parking lot is empty.

I just took Nyquil even though it's still Dayquil out.

What I lack in looks, I makeup for.

Right now some douchebag is turning 11.

Who doesn’t look out the train window and pretend it’s part of their movie montage of them trying to make it as a dancer?

I'm in pretty decent shape for someone with this many cat photos on my phone.

I have a chest cold, or, as they used to call it in the 17th Century, four days to live.

If I'm at your house and your cat jumps up on the table or walks on the counter, I am throwing that thing in the trash.

Guess who just sat in someone else’s pee! Yup…whoever went into the bathroom after me.

I don't trust those weirdos who take the time to put a nose in an emoticon.

Just because we both have tattoos does not mean we need to know each other.

Not to brag, but I'm probably gonna have sex in September or October.

They should've thrown Osama in the ocean alive with jeans on because wet jeans suuuuuuck.

Ok, fat girls. You had a nice run with the word "curvy." We'll take it from here.

No one's ever said, "That guy who quoted movies the whole time was hysterical," so maybe shut the fuck up.

If my only two choices are go big or go home, I'm gonna go home.