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if it was funny in my head I'm tweetin it no matter how it comes out. relax you tool it's not a college entrance essay its a fuckin tweet.
the fastest way to my heart is to utter those 5 little words:
It's about to get weird
every once in a while I jerk off to a picture of myself from high school. because.
I could teach a course on proper passive aggression. but if you don't want me to then...fine. I guess...
instead of buying a trampoline why don't I help you out and just break your kids arm right now.
walking around muttering to myself about bleached assholes and such and a guy just nodded and winked at me
now if I could just detach my penis and curl it into a horseshoe I think I can satisfy this woman
I want to have a nemesis. so that when we encounter each other we can cock our heads and say "well, well, well..."
I think you're beautiful as is but you accept me in spite of all my faults and mistakes. That makes you fucking perfection in my eyes.
heads up: cinco de mayo is as worthless an amateur hour as st patrick's day. get piss ass drunk every night like a pro, bitch.
I'd rather have my mother perform a rectal exam with my sister watching than listen to your asinine story about people I don't fucking know!
my bad! i had no idea it was inappropriate to check my prostate on that bench by the daycare...
a sexy curvy gal wearing a maxi dress with no undies at the supermarket gets me fuckin hot every single time. fuck makeup
tried on some skinny jeans and I'm pretty sure I just got a hysterectomy.
my favorite way to leave work is to hurl something to the floor and shake my fist while bellowing "damn you sons of bitches!"
fuck you douchebag I hope your wife makes you eat RICE PILAF every night
nude, watching a civil war documentary, eating icepops,drinking whats left of a $200 bottle of wine, and unsure of whats really happening
I'm not holier than thou I'm a fucking man with a sense of boundaries. exactly why I don't @ and dm creepy awkward shit to beautiful women
you're trying way too hard to live up to your twitter name
just saw a guy with an Apple tattoo. Seriously? do you have a Jergens logo on your pene? or a mcdonalds arch on your fat back?!