Why are folks always concerned with a baby's weight? Planning on cooking it?

These steampunk Depends are killing me.

Love is never having to say, "You are aware that you have a personality disorder?"

When I was 16 I was grooving to Coltrane whilst on heroin. I've put in my hipster time and if I want to listen to bad pop I've earned it.

Oprah cured my goiter with her taint dew.

The best part of getting married in the Catholic Church is that you _must_ get advice beforehand from a man who took a vow not to marry.

Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine. But since I doubt you drink 40s with your ladyparts, we should be able to compromise.

I spelled *friend* wrong in my previous tweet, proving how infrequently I use the word.

You've heard 'em say, "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers." Hah! I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating live gerbils.

Just ordered an expensive pair of amplified headphones capable of extreme volumes to make up for my loss of hearing from regular headphones.

No matter how hard I try or what drugs I take, I absolutely cannot keep up with the Kardashians.

Martha Stewart says feed your dogs nothing but Froot Loops for a few days & they'll decorate your yard in brilliant fall colors.

So the Fallopian Tube doesn't go to New Jersey. Huh.

I don't have moods, unless anxious is a mood.

Quiet Jesus died for our dins.

I love every possible shape and size of tit. It's all tit and it's all good.

My biggest regret in life is that I've never been officially excommunicated. Goodness knows, I've tried.

The only thing a sociopath is sorry about is getting caught.

Between real life, porn, and the camera in your bathroom, I wonder how many naked breasts I've seen.

Before I buy a garment I ask myself how would Ronnie Howard look in this.