So the TSA agents are fondling and groping and x-raying, then the traveler asks "what do you call yourselves?" "The Aristocrats!"

Melanie Griffith's publicist announced she is going to rehab. This is surprising; why would Melanie Griffith still need a publicist?

Wife: "I love you."
Me: "I know."

The strength of her punch told me she isn't as big a Star Wars fan as I thought.

Dance like nobody's watching, confused, over your cubicle wall.

Man. It's 8AM and I'm already craving booze like it's 10AM.

What a coincidence. Trojan condoms' new slogan is "feels like nothing's there," the same thing my wife says to me during sex.

Google should just rename "I'm Feeling Lucky" to "Wikipedia" and be done with it.

A drawing by Raphael sold for $48M at auction. This is incredible, considering he's one of the lesser known Ninja Turtles.

Wife back from Costco. I think her feminine hygiene needs are covered until menopause.

In movies, characters who hate each other end up in love. In reality, though, it'd be absurd for me to marry my company's entire sales team.

People are now debating whether the correct term should be "unfriend" or "defriend." Related: is it "I ungive" or "I degive a crap"?

Finished Rock Band Beatles! DM me if you want tips on how to beat Yoko in the final boss battle.

Mark my words, people.

Today: Adobe Photoshop for the iPhone.
Tomorrow: Adobe Updater for the iPhone.

I met some amazing people through Favrd, people I'm proud to call "my friends." And now they're dead. They're ALL DEAD!!!! #thankyoutextism

A paranoid monkey, a scary clown, and a big red dildo walked into a bar. Bartender says, "Good evening, Mr. Glenn Beck."

Know in films when you shut the medicine cabinet and the killer's in the mirror behind you? Did this to my wife. Don't do this to your wife.

When I heard Saab was closing down, the tears ran down my neckbeard and into my elbow-patched tweed jacket.

This barista knows two kinds of coffee: single shot and explosive diarrhea.

I'M DRUNK WITH POWER tools.


Call 911.

Fool me thrice, shame on… me again? Fuck.