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@rafitorres
Rafael Torres
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All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
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So the TSA agents are fondling and groping and x-raying, then the traveler asks "what do you call yourselves?" "The Aristocrats!"
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Melanie Griffith's publicist announced she is going to rehab. This is surprising; why would Melanie Griffith still need a publicist?
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Wife: "I love you."
Me: "I know."
The strength of her punch told me she isn't as big a Star Wars fan as I thought.
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Dance like nobody's watching, confused, over your cubicle wall.
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Man. It's 8AM and I'm already craving booze like it's 10AM.
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What a coincidence. Trojan condoms' new slogan is "feels like nothing's there," the same thing my wife says to me during sex.
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Google should just rename "I'm Feeling Lucky" to "Wikipedia" and be done with it.
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A drawing by Raphael sold for $48M at auction. This is incredible, considering he's one of the lesser known Ninja Turtles.
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Wife back from Costco. I think her feminine hygiene needs are covered until menopause.
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In movies, characters who hate each other end up in love. In reality, though, it'd be absurd for me to marry my company's entire sales team.
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People are now debating whether the correct term should be "unfriend" or "defriend." Related: is it "I ungive" or "I degive a crap"?
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Finished Rock Band Beatles! DM me if you want tips on how to beat Yoko in the final boss battle.
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Mark my words, people.
Today: Adobe Photoshop for the iPhone.
Tomorrow: Adobe Updater for the iPhone.
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I met some amazing people through Favrd, people I'm proud to call "my friends." And now they're dead. They're ALL DEAD!!!! #thankyoutextism
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A paranoid monkey, a scary clown, and a big red dildo walked into a bar. Bartender says, "Good evening, Mr. Glenn Beck."
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Know in films when you shut the medicine cabinet and the killer's in the mirror behind you? Did this to my wife. Don't do this to your wife.
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When I heard Saab was closing down, the tears ran down my neckbeard and into my elbow-patched tweed jacket.
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This barista knows two kinds of coffee: single shot and explosive diarrhea.
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I'M DRUNK WITH POWER tools.
Call 911.
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Fool me thrice, shame on… me again? Fuck.
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