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I saw a Camaro with a license plate that said “JEZTER” and I said “More like ‘JIZZTER’.” so I took care of the situation is what I’m saying.
Turns out the super shy steampunk guy in my building was a propane tank.
"I use LaunchPad on OS X all the time!" - Mutants
I’ll die the way I lived: leaning on subway doors.
They should make a sequel to Finding Nemo that is also Taken 3.
All the extra cigarettes you can smoke with the time you saved not saying "Southwest."
“Game of Thrones” is like “Girls,” but with less fighting and nudity.
"But enough about me ..." — no one on Facebook
Why can't sinkholes be a thing that happens at work? When I'm on vacation.
If you are dining at a furniture store, horse meat is the least of your problems.
Trying to avoid the last-minute Valentine shopper crush. Which is more romantic: tire pressure gauge or windshield wiper fluid?
I heard your Mom's logs show she never had a chance with John Broder.
I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.
-webkit and forget it
Remember that "just the tip" is a sentence fragment and should be avoided.
All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies.