I have this uncanny superpower, I fuck things up.

With boobies comes great responsibility.

Every time this gets retweeted the boyfriend said he'd give me oral.

Oral sex should be mandatory in the morning.

If you don't get my brand of humor stop reading my tweets.


I think I'm fucking hysterical!

I tell my boyfriend "I love you thiiiiiiis much!" then spread my legs as far as I possibly can.

I'm not a slut. I just have a friendly vagina.

Status: Running around my house naked with scissors, front door is open, and I am ruining my appetite. Fuck you mom.

It's so cold I can read brail on my boobies it says "Bitch, put some clothes on."

When I pull out my tampon I pretend a tiny person is parachuting out of my vagina.

Remember when it use to be okay to have pubic hair? Good times.

Having a vagina is AWESOME.

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

If I reply to a text with "K" it is code for fuck off.

I'm going through this phase, who am I? Am I bisexual, straight, gay? I've decided I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?

My vagina? Let's just say the odometer has turned over a time or two.

I'll be soaking my tampons in vodka and inserting them to get drunk incognito this weekend. Good times.

For the record: don't ever walk up the stairs in front of me. I cannot refrain from trying to poke your butthole.

Personally, I say getting flowers after your first sexual encounter is like saying "Thank you for the vagina, I'll be back for more."

GET IN MY MOUTH. - Me to a cheeseburger and/or penis