Just saw an article about a Harvard study that explains why ribbons curl when you run scissors along them. Meanwhile: Cancer.

And this, ladies and gents, is how to get shit done. #StepIntoMyOffice pic.twitter.com/Xmr34TcO9B

Teletubbies marathon on Nickelodeon? RT @justinbieber: Big night ahead

Held for questioning. Apparently it's NOT ok to ask customs security where to rent a maid. #ArabInAmerica

There are times when I desperately wish I was black, like when I'm in the middle of a presentation and start to go red.

Unless you're a flight attendant, taking a travel bag to work is not ok. I mean what, are you carrying a physical copy of Wikipedia?

My car's acceleration resembles what a Ferrari's would be like if it had arthritis, diabetes, and a broken pelvis.

After a good half hour of experimentation today, I can confirm that exam questions ALWAYS win staring contests & won't disappear on command.

I wonder if polar bears run around looking for recycling bins to stop my back garden from melting.

When 140 characters just won't cut it. My brand spanking new blog:  http://thenutjob.wordpress.com/  (RT & I'll love you forever)

Parking in one disabled space says you're a little bitch. Two disabled spots screams VIP. pic.twitter.com/k11J03IZ

Nothing beats a nice slow walk through an expensive restaurant with a shirt that reads "Meanwhile in Africa".

What we've got in Doha today is the weather equivalent of an old man with a UTI trying to pee through a funnel.

I love it when people wear sunglasses indoors because they save me the trouble of having to find out whether they're douchebags.

The way my father knocks on my door and waits a good 30 seconds to come in indicates just how often he thinks I whack off.

.@barackobama Where you at Caramel? (it's ok guys I can call him that because I'm yellow too)

This was bound to happen at some point. Well, it was nice knowing you guys. #ShotInTheFaceAndOrButt #ArabinTheBronx pic.twitter.com/uzQEWptJ

Qatari Chickens: I know it sucks being killed and all but please be a bit considerate and drink some water before dying. Thanks. #Dry

QATAR - Reports have been surfacing of residents dying from spontaneous frost-bite due to freezing temperatures of 2°C (below 24).

With fouresquare and tweet locations it's clear that the next logical step forward is to attach the ETA of your next shit to every tweet.