I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

They named it "Jersey Shore" because "The Biggest Loser" was already taken.

I only fell off the wagon because I was drunk.

I try to live every day like my last but people are starting to get annoyed with my daily phone calls sobbing hysterically.

This white zinfandel has notes of forever alone with a slight finish of cat lady.

One in three Americans is obese, but one in eight is starving. I wonder if this explains why one in ten is missing.

I've always hated the word "spouse". Sounds like something you'd find latched onto your skin or leaving shit all over your house.


Oh.

I'm not saying this PMS is bad, but I just ate last year's Christmas chocolate, Valentine's candy, and an orphan.

Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll likely have to leave the room.

"Ass, young blonde. Hot."

-Captain Picard, discovering the food replicators make more than just tea

I always introduce technology to people, and then I walk in on them fucking technology in the bathroom and feel dumb.

Guess I could go do the dishes since life has no meaning.

Going to apply to the local paper without a resume. Instead, I'm taking last week's edition with all of the grammatical errors highlighted.

I'm not interested in Halloween. Being an adult means I can buy candy anytime and being attractive means I can get laid without a costume.

I finally figured out how U2 got their name.

"I hate this band."

"Oh, U2?"

People draft tweets? I sound this stupid without practice.

I'm awake, and I think that's where today went wrong.

My new diet plan is to watch Hoarders every time I'm hungry.

Beating the shit out of someone sounds like too much cleanup.

The fastest way out of a good mood is telling me I'm in one.