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  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

    • 387
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackonume_missingblakesmattheroldMyHairyLife______StexcySuMacDanCoatCzech
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHonume_OriginalEvillM_Desosabrinaenriqz____YofiezCredit2MyWifeTheChrisAngel____
    nikhimself
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    They named it "Jersey Shore" because "The Biggest Loser" was already taken.

    • 233
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackblakeahendersonmissingblakesMyHairyLife______StexcySuMacDanCoatCzechRockVDoe
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    sweetandweak______daniel24vLoSoOunTMTristessa_27isabellemaximelitgasmMissChelseaDemiLy_leafsgirl
    eugem
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I only fell off the wagon because I was drunk.

    • 294
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackMyHairyLife______StexcySuMacDanCoatCzechsweetandweak______ColoChiverVeroniKaboom
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    Cleatus1935TheChrisAngel____StarULongtime____CuffeStuffkinseynbvivalacraprphukanfavstar1000favs
    ThatsAFakeLaugh__
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I try to live every day like my last but people are starting to get annoyed with my daily phone calls sobbing hysterically.

    • 242
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackCoatCzechRockVDoeubu4roisweetandweak______FRANKSTALICIOUSMajor_AccidentSteveSteenMSLPC
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    Blue_Skyzzzsweetandweak______JackDaniel98989MariahKKhanMeg_Va____________TheChrisAngel____Murray_Burnsfiona_mcg
    fuddlemark
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    This white zinfandel has notes of forever alone with a slight finish of cat lady.

    • 213
    • FAVS
    mattheroldXavier88SirFlushaLotHFMRidesweetandweak______ColoChiverbrownpoopypantsalexeifink
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    sweetandweak______brownpoopypantsMurray_BurnsTheNuclearAgechi_steiner______ash_monica________DatingMaryxysmas
    DickCharmingPrincess_Bop______
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    One in three Americans is obese, but one in eight is starving. I wonder if this explains why one in ten is missing.

    • 169
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechRockVDoesweetandweak______ColoChivernemoflakesGrammmerlancevarnadochrisf82
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    Murray_Burnsronzoni1desertnurse_CoolPolarBearLawSchoolBlonde__rcguateJconner05MARKELLAMS
    TheBleve____________
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I've always hated the word "spouse". Sounds like something you'd find latched onto your skin or leaving shit all over your house.


    Oh.

    • 188
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackmattheroldCoatCzechRockVDoesweetandweak______ColoChiverdamitwthoutthedGrammmer
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    stellabelleSomeOtherSonoramt4704favstar1000favswafer_thin_mintvehementdesireChyldjustdeezart
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I'm not saying this PMS is bad, but I just ate last year's Christmas chocolate, Valentine's candy, and an orphan.

    • 178
    • FAVS
    mattheroldCoatCzechRockVDoeubu4roi123winksweetandweak______nemoflakesSissiSay
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    sweetandweak______ChloeepTylerStillsfavstar1000favsFilterlessGirlsnaomiiiiiFavstar500FavsSmooshie1592
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I always introduce technology to people, and then I walk in on them fucking technology in the bathroom and feel dumb.

    • 179
    • FAVS
    hiitsmollysramcremjoshbupkesTheWoodenslurpyLoremIpsum00slygoteVocabuLarry23_Morgan
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    sramcrembehindyourbackCuffeStuffwafer_thin_mintDjJazzyJeffrojuniorspecialfavstar1000favsurbanprojectz
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll likely have to leave the room.

    • 151
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechRockVDoeJillFenderxXxCraigIeroxXxjimmykinkadefuddlemarkMr__Grapenavanax
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    FraseTerperCrossfireGunsTXnicky_nicolaMrSomiadeleerekfavstar1000favsjvdhShillyShallyNix
    tnylgn
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    "Ass, young blonde. Hot."

    -Captain Picard, discovering the food replicators make more than just tea

    • 136
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackRockVDoenemoflakeswhodoblueberrykylemicunique938288405desertnurse_The_Take
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    NickStarrjohnberrmTinsleyMusichnybomorbislameJason_maybealligator13markcda____
    Bauart
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    Guess I could go do the dishes since life has no meaning.

    • 163
    • FAVS
    berriesnbearsLauraPalmer198AndrewR31RockVDoesweetandweak______ColoChivermetafrothjimmykinkade
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    vivalacrapVerlierenblissoverjoyedfavstar1000favsFavstar500FavsCharl3tas
    vivalacrap
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    Going to apply to the local paper without a resume. Instead, I'm taking last week's edition with all of the grammatical errors highlighted.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechRockVDoesweetandweak______nemoflakesmetafrothjimmykinkadeMr__Grapenavanax
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    maurieb82thitherto__UNCLEMIKETWEETSjackiejeanbeanelizabethdamarobradcornerfavstar1000favsJheanGuerra
    paul_shinn
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I'm not interested in Halloween. Being an adult means I can buy candy anytime and being attractive means I can get laid without a costume.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechRockVDoeColoChiverunique938288405SkeeRodExcapeplanMr__Grapenavanax
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    Tonjajean1________SoulPunk007______favstar1000favsFavstar500FavsChyldkissmeladyhank__
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I finally figured out how U2 got their name.

    "I hate this band."

    "Oh, U2?"

    • 116
    • FAVS
    rDanielcCoatCzechRockVDoenemoflakesdjr_102shatteredribCookieVangelistnerdamage
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    detroit_etLAgirlLAworldvic_toria_marienonstopawesometrialfemmefavstar1000favsdevincrowsuckacassandrasaid
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    People draft tweets? I sound this stupid without practice.

    • 143
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechsweetandweak______metafrothunique938288405jimmykinkadenavanaxHormonelladesertnurse_
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    TheCLJTheChrisAngel____HollidayDoc1______favstar1000favsrenojenn__________Favstar500Favs
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    I'm awake, and I think that's where today went wrong.

    • 141
    • FAVS
    CoatCzechmsred1973metafrothfastmofobansheenavanaxdesertnurse_DoveStylesThe_Take
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    __BojanLindseyy_Anneheyitstonyapueblokcfavstar1000favsgemelvFavstar500FavsTomasJonsen______
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    My new diet plan is to watch Hoarders every time I'm hungry.

    • 135
    • FAVS
    ColoChivernemoflakesGrizzGriffithsfuddlemarknavanaxHormonelladesertnurse_The_Take
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsmoelevinfavstar_popMyMentalTraffictulipgirl78ShillyShallyNixFavstar500Favspsybrspcsuprstr
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    The fastest way out of a good mood is telling me I'm in one.

    • 144
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackCoatCzechRockVDoemetafrothunique938288405jimmykinkadenavanaxdesertnurse_
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsFavstar500Favs
    Smethanie
  • randomisms
      randomisms @randomisms

    Beating the shit out of someone sounds like too much cleanup.

    • 138
    • FAVS
    StexcyCoatCzechRockVDoeColoChivernemoflakesGrizzGriffithsnavanaxdesertnurse_
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsCOOKlEFOREVERLezziekinsFavstar500Favshate_myshirtvrtlmtcrankshaft80
    _blueeyedzombie
@randomisms

@randomisms

Apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?