I'm not married or divorced. I've no progeny. I don't tell fart jokes. I'm not a bot. Nor Canadian. I'm beginning to see I don't belong here

Say what you want, but I've never seen the ocean so I'm not entirely convinced it exists. The same goes for my brain.

I'm feeling a tad unoriginal today, so I will tide you over with this gem: Titties.
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Enjoy!

Talked to an ex last night. He mentioned he has to keep a tab open with dictionary.com when he talks with me. I'm calling this a WIN for me.

Oscar Wilde would have been fucking brilliant on Twitter. He also would have had a metric fuck-ton of electronic stalkers. Just sayin'.

I'm currently waging war with my nemesis Morning so I might rescue the fair maiden Coherency. Might take a while. Morning is a devious foe.

Sunday School teachers get rather put out when you ask them whether Adam and Eve had bellybuttons. Even as a child I demanded details.

Y'know what pisses me off? When people confuse Greek and Roman mythologies. Yeah, I know. I'm a nerd. But seriously, folks.

College raped my wallet.

(Literal) Sign you're in college: A sign hangs on the new ATM: "Out of Cash." Underneath it, scribbled by a student: "Really? Me too."

What I should've said: Your total is $10.66. What I actually said: That'll be the Battle of Hastings. *dead silence*awkward chuckle* $10.66

They key to life: Be so peculiar anyway that when you do something that surprises even yourself the rest of the world doesn't mind too much.

A pagan I know exclaims "GOD DAMN!" regarding the too-late addition of a Religious Studies prof. I imagine she doesn't see the humor in this

This shirt totally just kicked my ass. Putting on clothes should not be this difficult.

Sometimes a poem about a piano has very little to do with a piano at all and everything to do with you.

I really don't see the purpose of this hall closet. It's obviously much to small to hide any skeletons or friends in denial.

Spiders are invading my room. I've armed myself w flip flops, magazines & some sort of toxic body spray I got as a gift. IT'S ON, ARACHNIDS!

My aim here is less to make Favr'd and more to keep you and myself amused with the thoughts that would be running through my head anyway.

Trucks carrying Keith Urban's tour equipment nearly ran me off the road tonight reinforcing my hatred of country music.

I could LiveTweet the things I'm doing to this Dilly Bar, but it's pretty X-Rated and I don't want to be mistaken for a pornbot.