Ladies. The next time you're with a cute guy & your stomach growls, pat your crotch & say "Down girl." The look on his face is priceless.

I don't care if you're taking a shit. Put your hand under the stall, we're here and we're gonna thumb wrestle

I miss the gentle way my grandma would tuck me in & whipser "I swear to god if u dont go to sleep I'l hold a pillow over u & put u to sleep

Fluffy toilet lid covers. When you absolutely gotta feel like you're taking a shit in a muppet.

"These are my Fuck Trophies" is a cute way to introduce your kids

My jeans are a little too tight today, I swear you can actually see my camel toe lip-syncing to Bon Jovi

Twitter is made up of two groups of people. Those who drive the "free candy" van. And those who would get in it.

Every time I see a fat girl with little tits, I want to squeeze her to see if her boobs suddenly pop out.

Twitter does not need a relationship status category. It's either "Married and looking" or "Single and rapey."

Rock beats scissors, paper beats rock, Twitter beats work.

New employee took a dump that cleared out the ladies room & sent another co-worker puking in the hall. Bitch has talent, I'll give her that

Anytime I rip a silent fart I like to ask everyone near me if they smell cookies. The deep sniffs they take is all the satisfaction I need.

Am I the only one who walks in a bathroom and loudly announces that I'm about to wreck this place?

Boss: I don't pay you people to sit on your asses and fuck around all day! ...according to my pay stub he does.

Next time I hear a woman tell me she can do anything a man can do, I will stand that bitch infront of a urinal.

Sticky notes a great. I love putting them on occupied bathroom stall doors and leaving quickly. "Forgive the smell. Taking a massive shit."

Dear ex-husband, do not look me up on facebook and ask me how I'm doing. My answer will always be the same. "Still plotting your death."

The cuts on my arm and wrist are NOT a cry for help...well they were, but my cat finally let go and I learned to quit fucking with her.

Ladies. A vagina is NOT a self cleaning oven.

Why do the butt-ugly, child porn collecting, serial killer looking guys always stalk me. If you're not cute, I"m not getting in the van!