I don't get how pubes litter the lip of a urinal. If you flick your dick out with such authority that you lose hair, you need to calm down.

Son, "bukkake" is when a mommy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy and a...

Who wants my babies? Seriously. I found these babies last week, and they won't stop shitting, crying, and dying all over my stuff.

She told me she "wouldn't fuck me if we were the last two people on Earth."

I smiled, leaned in and whispered, "Think. Who would stop me?"

I bet whenever two cop cars are parked side by side, the cops are using their radar guns to see how fast each of them can masturbate.

I piss in the shower hoping that a mishap at the water treatment plant bars purification, allowing pee into your Aquafina, because fuck you.

A woman can fake an orgasm, sure, whatever, but it takes a man to fake the entire relationship.

I hope the cigarettes people bum from me are the ones with all the cancer.

You make me want to shave off my eyebrows so I can be more aerodynamic when diving facefirst into your snatch.

I can't motivate myself to grab a new roll from under the sink, so I'm using toilet paper from the trash can. I hope I don't get pregnant.

Just yelled at the dog for licking her snatch. I mean, what the fuck? My balls are RIGHT HERE.

Something about Lars Ulrich makes me want to cradle him in my arms and coo to him in gibberish as I lovingly place him in my microwave.

The word "divorce" implies hostility, negativity. I prefer looking at it as gently releasing my wife back into her natural habitat -

HELL.

Turn on the radio. If you like what you hear, punch yourself in the throat.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS. TEETH ARE FUCKING BONES.. OPEN AIR EXPOSED FUCKING BONES. Wait.. Wait. They aren't bones. False alarm everybody.

Could be wrong, but I think this chick just gave me the "dryfuck my virginal ass into a festering prolapse of hate 'til I fucking die" eyes.

That feeling of walking face-first into a spiderweb at night is the same feeling I get when I run my hand down a chick's ass and feel hair.

Contrary to popular belief, mastery of the keytar is NOT an automatic key to all galaxy's pussy.

My day isn't complete until I've contributed to the delinquency of a minor.

I don't think you guys fully appreciate the fact that I don't exaggerate about anything, ever.