You say, "irregardless" and I say, "english 101 summer semester begins June 17th at the local campus".

I am the Bruce Lee of fitting shit into a dishwasher.

I don't have a bucket list, I'm just going to continuously do cool shit.

Just called my cable company for an appointment and they said they would be here between 4:30pm and September 28th.

There are two types of people in the world, people who complete things they’ve started

Just saved a bunch of money by switching to shoplifting.

Started on twitter following a few comedians, but now I think the masses prove to be much funnier and entertaining than I would've imagined.

Well played people who overused the “well played” theme, well played.

Warning: Chinese locking finger cuffs should only be used for fingers.

When I see a manual RT, I seek out the original and ReTweet that shit like god intended it.

The magnet that I have attached to the back of my car that makes people drive up my ass is working perfectly today.

I admire when someone throws out a tweet with an obscure reference, not looking for mass appeal, but tweeting only for themself.

If I'm in a pool and I see a kid standing still for more than 3 seconds, I'm going to assume that I'm going to have to shower in bleach.

Just changed my wifi network name to "FBI.GOV" just to add some tension in the building.

Before you pass on following somebody, read deep into their tweets first because there'some funny shit out there.

How do we know that germs actually count to 5 before jumping onto our fallen food?

When you find a middle aged dude with his pants worn below his ass, it's like finding the queen of the hive.

I call bullshit on The Never Ending Story.

Hey, guess who wants the other half of doughnut that you ripped in two and left behind? No one.

I think if Jesus was alive today he would wear business casual.