My neighbor got a limo for their kid's 8th grade graduation, apparently Billy Madison is real and lives in my apartment building

I heard Kanye's song 'New Slaves' I think it's about him hating the zoning laws of the iPhone Factory he bought in the Hamptons

NYC tonight 8pm Shoot the Shite @creekandcave join @timdimond & me; w/ @roboreilly @joezimmerman @kenthinguy @emeps @subhah & more!

Beyonce & Jay Z, second baby name guess; Girl: Green Rose; Boy: Yellow Spinach

David Beckham retiring from soccer will allow him more time to focus on his career of being photographed shirtless

Angelina Jolie doesn't want her boobs, thankfully a family in Cambodia adopted them

Angelina Jolie had her breasts removed, thus explaining the party confetti that covers Jennifer Aniston's house

NYC tonight 8pm ND Comedy! @thestandnyc $5 NO drink min w/ @arishaffir @nickdipaolo @seatonsmith @aiapalucci @goshcarter & @keithalberstadt

Monday 8pm ND Comedy @thestandnyc $5 NO Drink min! w/ @nickdipaolo @arishaffir @aiapalucci @goshcarter @seatonsmith & @keithalberstadt

If not for draft beer, I'd never get any head :(

Tim Tebow blackballed by NFL; blueballed by God :(

The porn site I buy videos from is having a Mothers Day sale, Happy Friday!

The Great Gatsby & Jay-Z, I hope this music and literature collaboration fares better than the R. Kelly/Lolita experiment

Today, I met a seven year-old named Dick; Allow me to rephrase that, I met a kid who had the world's worst parents

I just reprimanded a kid for calling another kid 'Dick' only to find out the kid's name is Dick. Dick's parents suck

Thanks a bunch @djdavemichaels I appreciate it! Follow him people, funny tweets!

Reason to be suspicious of the Castros in Cleveland; Three Puerto Rican brothers that were 'NEVER LOUD' for over ten years??

Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild is going to jail, for $9.99 u can buy a DVD of his cellmates welcoming him

Lindsay Lohan says she isn't a junkie and that her only problem is timing; So, the street name for cocaine is 'timing'?

Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June is marrying Sugar Bear today; If you want to buy them a gift, they’d like a his and hers Dialysis Machine