There is no correlation between my joining Twitter and my no longer finding the time to iron my shirts.

I don't wake up in the morning with the intention of pissing so many people off. Events just unfold that way.

No more drinking beer on work nights (unless the day starts with T. Also M,W,F... But that's it)


#onthewagon

I really like it when you pause my show to tell me I need to put my glass in the dishwasher

Why don't we stop arguing over the bill and you pay it. It worked out last time.

Without elaborating too much, my insane Friday night means I owe my friend $800

I've got to get out of bed. Surprisingly, my employers express frustration when I don't show up for work. Some things I'll never understand.

I think the last person to have used this bathroom must have turned feral

I like it when someone sends me an invitation to a 12pm meeting at 11.52am

It baffles me how people that have difficulty complying with the 'No shirt, No shoes, No service' rule manage to get through life.

Having to peel off my contacts after sleeping with them in = too high a price to pay for vanity

I just saw a guy wearing a hat that said "Holy Shih-tzu". Instead of turning away and pitying his family, I engaged him in conversation.

I wish my house was built by Mike Holmes

There is someone in the office who feels he needs to mark his territory in a definitive manner each time he uses the restroom

I think I have half a dozen eggs following me. I could make a pretty mean omlette.

Don't put off untill tomorrow what you can do today. Put it off until next week.

Awesome. I sell shoes.

Must WD40 the bedroom door hinges so as i'm not heard creeping out in the middle of the night to check Twitter

I think I have a man crush on Gordon Ramsay. I may regret this tweet later.

It seems to be nice weather everywhere. Everyone is in high spirits. All the people nursing a hangover are prob still asleep.