Dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, tweet like no one's following.

I'm trying to explain the whole 'extra hour of sleep tonight' thing to my dogs...I don't think they're getting it.

Whenever I weigh myself, I subtract 5 lbs cuz I don't feel like my boobs and my brains should count.

If you want me to be your twitter crush, that's OK, but never ask me to be your twitter wife. Or any other type of wife, for that matter.

Remember the 80's? No? Well, fuck you then!

So, I'm newly single and feeling kinda horny. If I'm reading my TL correctly, I'm supposed to get drunk and masturbate while crying, right?

Bitches, show them your vulnerable side. Assholes love vulnerability.

Think I'll call in "sexually deprived" to work tomorrow, see what HR does with that.

A lot of guys think I have a "nice" ass, but it says the meanest things about them.

If you text me, just know when I read it, I'm probably thinking "fuck you." And if I reply "k" or "lol" I mean, fuck off.

I'm not in a good place right now. P.S. -it's my cubicle at work.

I have a deep, dark confession to make. It might change the way you all think of me forever...I'm happily married. I know, it's horrible!

3 simple steps to happiness: 1 remove bra 2 put on pajama pants 3 pour glass of wine

Would you like some dip for that chip on your shoulder?

I guess we all have that one special person in our lives who changed us forever because he or she totally fucked us over!

I'm an educated, intelligent, classy woman who says fuck...a lot.

The hard edges of the brownies that my kids leave stuck to the pan are calorie-free, right? Right?

I live with my 2 teenage kids, so I'm pretty much immune to your indifference, ingratitude and general assholeness.

Ever look at someone and just KNOW that he sucks in bed? Well, not me. I wish I could.

I don't want you to lay me down on a bed of roses, cuz...thorns.