weinergate would've been much more interesting if he had sent his dick pic to @perezhilton.

charlie sheen ruined the meaning of #winning just as obama ruined the meaning of #change.

#thanksassholes

thanks for the email with the butterflies & flowers background! it only took 20 minutes to load & when it did, i couldn't read your font!

you suck as a comedian if you can't make me laugh while i'm high on vicodin.

i'm looking at you, dane cook.

i bet that sandusky guy lost his seat at the kids table this year.

who cares if christina aguilera fucked up. until one of you judgmental assholes are invited to stand up there & sing it, shut the fuck up.

i masturbate with whatever hand isn't holding the sandwich.

my stomach is too full for pie so i shoved a piece up my ass.

i swallowed because i just did my makeup.

if your email address has an underscore in it, you're an asshole.

i bet oprah's pissed that she couldn't put gay marriages under her chairs.

hey buddy, it's a clit not a fucking nuclear bomb detonator.
chew on it like it's beef jerky, goddammit.

if yer married and not having sex, it's just *you* not having sex.

my kids are out of school for two weeks. i have stocked up on vodka, sleeping pills and duct tape. the vodka is for me.

if we give up the labels, no one will have anything to call us but human beings.

my kid is playing *call of duty*. the volume is turned up so fucking high that no one will hear me shoot her.

vaginal penetration is the sincerest form of flattery.

i'm not handing over the rights to my uterus to a government that declared pizza a vegetable.

happy fucking halloween, you stupid assholes.

the quickest way to a man's heart is *not*through his stomach.


it's through his chest with a hatchet.