"Better, Worse, or No Change?" Your optometrist asks while flicking through slides of your life, trying to figure out where you went wrong

If you yell FUUUCK as you drive thru a yellow light u will make it every time

New Memory Foam mattress captures every moment, from crying alone at night to when you slept next to someone you loved for the first time

Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. along came a spider and sat down beside her and said, "what u eatin, bitch"

SUBWAY: EAT F L E S H

Look me in the eyes and whisper, "Same"

all the ladies in da club lookin real DISINTERESTED

pussy like a cemetery cuz dem boys dyin to get in

"Bitch I Might Be" as the most existentially challenging quote of our generation

DENIM THONG. DENIM SOCKS

I ALWAYS DIE ON THE FIRST DATE

if i had a dick u r damn rihght i would be stacking funyuns on that thing #hornedup

My cat is a roomba or a zuzu pet or a heely shoe pic.twitter.com/7NoXF4YK

#FailedTortureMethods buried by kittens. they are added 1 by 1 but they keep running off to play or cuddling prisoners

4:20 pretend you're not lonely

rearranging my room a little gotta make space for the ｃｒｕｓｈｉｎｇ  ｌｏｎｅｌｉｎｅｓｓ

destined to become World's First Seapunk Grandma

boy I wanna sex u on a giant pizza

All your homework has turned into suicide notes. #ominousevents

fav me all u want u still gotta kiss me someday