I must've waxed myself about a brazilian times.

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

If we keep making fun of gingers, I swear one day they're going to snap.

All my exes were followed by whys

What I lack in imagination, I make up.

Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self.

Evidently my admirers are all secret.

I'm crazy like on Fox.

If it weren't for The Safety Dance, they'd be Men Without Hits.

I wonder if Tom Cruise has an ego altar.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

This one's for all you self-actualized people out there. You know who you are.

I have this stabbing pain in my victim.

I have a feeling that Victoria's "secret" involves bulimia and diet pills.

If my Best isn't good enough, try my Recent.

I float like a butterfly and sting like a butterfly.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

I made a dry martini at a wet bar and drank in the irony.

Televangelists are preaching to acquire.

I'm just playing hard to take.