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  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    What is the female version of morning wood? I has it.

    • 257
    • FAVS
    llvvzzLaffingGUYLittle_ravanI_SEE_THRU_YOUFredPollackStexcySr_TouretteImHopel3ss
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    NaughtyDew_Favstar250
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    My back is killing me. I'm looking to hire someone as a Breast Holder. I can't pay you, but fuck, you get to hold my boobs WITH consent!

    • 146
    • FAVS
    llvvzzLaffingGUYFredPollackskydogthetobbieImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningShortWhiteNUgly__
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Omfg this guy was talking to me at the chiropractor & Aidan says 'is this gonna be my daddy?!' EARTH PLEASE OPEN UP & TAKE ME! D: mortified!

    • 145
    • FAVS
    llvvzzStexcyImHopel3ssCooljack_73FollowIntoDarkShortWhiteNUgly__TheNordicHammerfromCarter________
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    My sister is taking Aidan to church. I will have my own services at home. Note: This tweet contains a euphemism.

    • 124
    • FAVS
    llvvzzskydogImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningShortWhiteNUgly__fromCarter________OtisPdQSeanBlazed
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    I don't trust anyone that eats their steak well done.

    • 122
    • FAVS
    llvvzzskydogStexcyImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningFollowIntoDarkShortWhiteNUgly__NeonWhisky
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Am I insensitive for seeing the pic of a 94y/o man when he was in his 20's & thinking 'I would've hit that like the fist of an angry god!'??

    • 114
    • FAVS
    llvvzzskydogStexcyImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningFollowIntoDarkOtisPdQmzjlee
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    When I'm wearing flipflops and walking down a quiet hall where it echoes, it sounds like my feet are shooting out lasers, and it's AWESOME!

    • 105
    • FAVS
    llvvzzStexcythetobbieImHopel3ssking____khanFollowIntoDarkvagstarOtisPdQ
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Telling someone that you want to bang their dad never gets any less awkward.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    llvvzzStexcyImHopel3ssNeonWhiskyOtisPdQGetbentLAAlexisVonDoles____GlitterStoned
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Thre was another girl at the zoo wearing the same shirt I was.

    ...my boobs looked better in it. ^___^

    • 90
    • FAVS
    llvvzzskydogImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningBigBBanterOtisPdQGlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    My almost 40 year old aunt just drunk dialed me. She's getting smashed, while singing Black Eyed Peas, and I'm at home watching 20/20. FML.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssBigBBanterOtisPdQjonniarmaniAlexisVonDoles____GlitterStonedGnewty
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    You know that pain you get right on the side of your ass & thigh from having rough sex a day or two before? Me either.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    llvvzzFredPollackStexcythetobbieImHopel3ssOtisPdQGlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Noticed in movie sex scenes, chicks always force the guy's hand on boobs. Funny. IRL, men seem to need no coercion even at non-sexual times.

    • 79
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningOtisPdQAlexisVonDoles____GlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____Roadfilm__________
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Love that my sis used all my tampons. Asked her to replace before her wknd trip bc I won't have a car & she leaves $20. Hope that will hold!

    • 78
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningOtisPdQGetbentLAdeanlarsonGlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Told my sis if we didn't go to a bathroom so I could pull out my wedgie, my ass would have an orgasm. Was overheard; they looked intrigued.

    • 77
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningOtisPdQGlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____BombayHeychTwitchingDoubt____
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Dear Liza,
    Wearing a thong under your dress is still a poor life decision.
    No love,
    Your Cotton Filled Ass

    • 73
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssOtisPdQGetbentLAGlitterStonedParanoidDaniel____Roadfilm__________SilentAJ
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    iPhone claims 'You've never been able to do so much with something so small'. Clearly, they never heard about my ex knocking me up...

    • 71
    • FAVS
    llvvzzStexcyImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningNeonWhiskyOtisPdQGetbentLAParanoidDaniel____
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    Chex Mix's slogan is that it's 'A Bag of Interesting'. I wish I would've known that before I spent all that money on this bag of cocaine.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    llvvzzStexcyImHopel3ssOtisPdQGlitterStonedRoadfilm__________zombottheJoeBiz
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    I just saw a commercial that had a tuna taco in it. Laughter ensued.

    • 67
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningOtisPdQGetbentLAGlitterStonedKwazydawgzombot
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    I'm wasting the best years of my life trying to find an amusing spin on it in hopes that I am rewarded with an e-star bukkake via Twitter.

    • 64
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssfoodandwhiningOtisPdQzombottheJoeBizMODATChubRocXL
  • rediscover_me
      Liza @rediscover_me

    FYI: I don't give a shit about the movies you put on your iPhone. Especially if they're chick flicks. Especially if you're a dude. Nut up!

    • 60
    • FAVS
    llvvzzImHopel3ssOtisPdQzombottheJoeBizMODATChubRocXLAngryRomeo
@rediscover_me

@rediscover_me

I'm wasting the best years of my life trying to find an amusing spin on them in hopes of being rewarded with an e-star bukkake.