Everything I tweet is based on actual events, true stories and personal experience.

I've got the tetanus shots to prove it.

One of My Ex's was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn't workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.



I miss third grade.

6: Daddy who are these pretty girls on your phone?
M: I really don't know.
6: Where'd ya get em?
M: Twitter
6: Oh R they Princesses?
M: Yes

IF all women are crazy…



Then…



You might as well pick a pretty one.

Life is not a box of chocolates.

It's more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.

Can we just take a vote?

Star this IF you think my avatar looks like a butt plug.


That is all.

Things I've accomplished since joining twitter. List:

How many tweets does it take to get to the center of the Internet?

If you follow 500 active tweeters it's impossible to be employed, in a relationship or finish your mosaic masterpiece of Dogs Playing Poker.

You ever write a tweet so funny and so clever that nobody stars it?

Me neither.

I really miss the person I used to think you were.

I have to be honest...

No I don't this is twitter.

YOU are beautiful. Yes I'm talking to you.

Unless you're a dude, then of course I'm not talking to you, and yes your biceps look big.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you...

I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you're talking about BABIES?

I've read so many tweets lately by people who hate holidays.
I didn't realize there are so many of us.
We should do something to celebrate!

Somedays, as happy as I am, as much as I love my kids...

I still want to run away and join the circus.

I am not racist....





Some of my best friends drive NASCAR

The best part of twitter… is you think it doesn't mean anything.

The worst part of twitter is you think it means more than it does.

I've got tomorrow off.


'Cos nothing says THANK YOU VETERANS like shutting all the Government Offices down!