Why are none of the guys in the lockerroom as impressed with my boner as I am

I've chosen the career path of being a stay at home son

1800flowers is advertising flowers for fathers day. But they should run a 2 for 1 special bc if ur dad wants flowers, his boyfriend will too

Based on the size of these girls at the bar, you'd think they serve food here.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

Amazed at how well guys wearing camo can disappear from females

Hearing that U2 is the #1 band in the world makes me happy that America is not the only nation filled with retards

"Im so sick of being fat!" (As she dips her cookie in ranch dressing)

Considered moving to Tennessee but then realized I like the 21st century too much

I always buy name brand cool whip bc I don't want to look poor when I use it as tupperware to carry my lunch to work in it

Today i learned that telling a girl she is a pear is not the same as telling her she is a peach.

Hillbillies are only against abortion until their daughter gets knocked up by a black guy

Had to stop a wedding to yell at some little girl who was throwing flower petals on the ground in front of the bride. I blame bad parenting

The worst part about Ryan Dunn's accident is that it wasn't Bam Margera

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Why is it that the more friends I gain on here, the more ones I lose in real life

Girls, I wont be the one to say your ass is getting big, but constantly getting hit on by black guys must tell you something

"what were skinny people like?"
-future American child

If I'm in charge of hiring people and find out u got arrested for beating a Westboro Baptist guy with a dildo, u automatically get the job

Girls, if u gag on me, its a huge compliment. If I gag on u, it's a huge problem