I saw a girl sweating from her ass crack. I'm not gonna lie. I chubbed up

One of THE GREATEST gifts you can give your kids is a sense of humor. Without that, all is lost.

I could be home sleeping but instead I'm sitting in my car at 5:53am starring tweets like a serial killer.

Newbies. Don't be intimidated by numbers. Jump right in and interact. Most of these people with big #s have them because they're awesome

I bet koala farts smell like powdered donuts.

Anybody feel like validating my existence today, step right up. Don't be shy.

If you're havin candy problems I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems but a Twix ain't one.

After you get over the initial "I gotta have more followers" feeling, find your groove, and rock it. There's great people all over twitter.

Note to self: remember to pee immediately after ejaculating.

I fell asleep and now my damn urethra is glued shut.

Attn lesbos: When scissoring, beware of vapor lock. In the event that suction is created, use your thumbs to break the seal. Your welcome.

I just heard a noise so I am now hiding in my super secret bat cave,which is conveniently located under my covers next to my snoring wife.

Whenever I'm on someone's favstar and I see a 49* tweet, I crack my knuckles, take a deep breath, and feel like I'm about to cure cancer.

I'm gonna go hang out outside the weight watchers office. Eventually I'll find one right around her 20th week who's feeling sexy. Game on

Today I lost a bot and a slut. Really, her name was slut. What in the world could I have done to offend a slut?

A billion people on twitter all trying to think of fucked up funny shit. Guess what, you're bound to stumble on a similar thought now & then

This world is no place for a thinking man.

So many angry people here on twitter.

What the fuck are you all so angry about? Nickleback cannot be responsible for so much anger.

Bwaaahhhhahahaha. This is too fucking funny. http://t.co/EcDsfSEl

AND...... my 12 year old son just told me the bumps on a girls nipples is braille for "suck me"

well I know he's not gay

Isn't the retweet button right next to the star button on everyone's phone?

Share me baby!!!!

You selfish boobs.