They stone lesbians in the middle east because rock beats scissors.

I've got 99 problems....




All luft balloons

I named my penis Dick Cheney because it's always shooting people in the face.

Do ninja's even HAVE jobs?

Been sober for 3 weeks now, is this what marriage is like? Soothingly boring? Cause this is just awful.

The hardest part of people asking me when I'm free is making it seem like there are times when I'm not.

Curiosity doesn't kill cats, I kill cats.

You say 'atheist' I say 'realistic'.

You only live once except for that guy that lived twice he was weird.

Are camels angered they have so many sexual innuendos on their bodies? No, they're camels, they don't give a shit what you think.

So you guys just do this all day huh. Mind boggling.

America shouldn't worry about their credit, I have terrible credit and I just got a new vehicle for 0 down 0 interest! Go me!

I like how you don't have to say you hate Nickelback anymore because its just implied now

I have sex with fire because its the only thing I can get to put out.

Everything I know about women I learned from an episode of Dawson's Creek I seen in the late 90's. And creepin'. Lots of creepin'.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas 'cause they get the best stuff.

If tears tasted like cupcakes I'd probably cry all the time instead of just most of the time.

The worst part about catching your parents doing it is not leaving right away.

My boss' coffee was so hot I think I burnt my dick a little bit.

If you name your kid Martini you bet your ass I'm shaking that baby, you brought this on yourself.