Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I always thought those "Baby On Board" signs just meant that your baby was in agreement with your plans.
Heard this on a commercial: "The Five-Hour Energy Drink lasts for several hours!" Oh yeah? About how many would you say?
I don't need a 5-hour energy drink. I need a 24-hour polite interest in what you're saying drink.
How do I feel about border control? I'm on the fence.
It's weird that Todd Akin is still running because shouldn't his campaign naturally know to shut itself down? #ToddAkin
Guys, if you're wearing shorts and your dick's peeking out, my subtle way of letting you know is saying: "Hey, bro. Boom's in shot."
"Let them eat urinal cake." --Marie Antoilette.
More like "50 Shades Of Cray Cray!" Am I ri-- **blows up violently**
According to T.V., the best medication for acne is definitely Photoshop.
"Twilight Zone" marathons are perfect for Thanksgiving, because the moral of every one is: "Don't be such a piece of shit."
You know why stand-up comedians talk about masturbation so much? Because stand-up comedy is masturbation.
If you wrote an entire song about getting over someone, you ain't gotten over shit.
I'm getting a boner. Once all the forms are filled out, it should be here in a week.
I wish "Entertainment Tonight" would do a "Where Are They Now?" segment about my keys.
Hey, cheer up. Not only do people not hate you, they don't even THINK about you.
Your Chris Dorner screenplay should probably be on page 87 by now.
My balls are great in the sack.
I'll shit in your ukelele.
Your baby throws up because he finds you disgusting.
Comment angrily on that article you just read. Change the world.
I do comedy in Los Angeles to wildly varying degrees of success. Sometimes I smile. Here's my IMDB link: http://imdb.to/oxQnOJ