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I always thought those "Baby On Board" signs just meant that your baby was in agreement with your plans.
Heard this on a commercial: "The Five-Hour Energy Drink lasts for several hours!" Oh yeah? About how many would you say?
I don't need a 5-hour energy drink. I need a 24-hour polite interest in what you're saying drink.
It's weird that Todd Akin is still running because shouldn't his campaign naturally know to shut itself down? #ToddAkin
Guys, if you're wearing shorts and your dick's peeking out, my subtle way of letting you know is saying: "Hey, bro. Boom's in shot."
More like "50 Shades Of Cray Cray!" Am I ri-- **blows up violently**
According to T.V., the best medication for acne is definitely Photoshop.
"Twilight Zone" marathons are perfect for Thanksgiving, because the moral of every one is: "Don't be such a piece of shit."
You know why stand-up comedians talk about masturbation so much? Because stand-up comedy is masturbation.
If you wrote an entire song about getting over someone, you ain't gotten over shit.
I'm getting a boner. Once all the forms are filled out, it should be here in a week.
I wish "Entertainment Tonight" would do a "Where Are They Now?" segment about my keys.
Hey, cheer up. Not only do people not hate you, they don't even THINK about you.
I do comedy in Los Angeles to wildly varying degrees of success. Sometimes I smile. Here's my IMDB link: http://imdb.to/oxQnOJ
