Do girls say they're engaged 'to be married' incase people mistake them for being engaged 'in combat'

If a girl starts a conversation "we need to talk..", try putting your hand down your pants and wiggling a finger through your fly.

Got so drunk last night! I'm hoping I didn't do anything i'll regret like telling my mates about twitter..

If I had boobs i'm sure i'd show them off in my avi....if I ever stopped fondling them.

If someone says they're gonna tear you a new asshole, don't worry, i'm no expert but i'm pretty sure that's impossible.

I worry more about accidentally writing a tweet identical to someone else's than I do about paying my mortgage.

Went to 18th bday party. Downed jäger like an 18yr old. The end of the night threw up like an 18yr old. Now hungover like a 30yr old.

Unfortunately when i'm using my phone to star bang you guys on Favstar I now have to use my finger. The buttons are too close for my penis.

Unless you blow your nose so loudly it causes a scene, there's really no point in blowing your nose at all.

Just realised that 'bed head' probably means something else where ur from. In future il call it 'bed hair' or maybe just never mention it.

I prefer twitter because facebooks FULL of people getting pregnant or engaged.

Hey! Ex girlfriends that put it's wine o'clock in their Facebook status. It should be spelt whine o'clock.

I miss the days when covering your eyes made you invisible.

..I don't suppose this flat screen monitor smashes on impact like the good old days.

I've started checking my timeline during my breakfast, i've also been 15 minutes late for work every day for the past 2 weeks.

My boss decided to add me to the 'work alarm call list' which i've decided to add to my 'calls to ignore at 3am list'

When people around me finish a sentence with "Booom!!", I automatically punch them in the chest.

My Facebook news feed currently reads like a who's who of ultrasound baby scans.

The little mermaid is kinda hot until you notice that trail of stringy poop behind her.

Those hot girls that jog by the road, the ones you see in slow motion before driving into the car in front. They're the modern day Sirens.