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I don't know what's more unrealistic...Ken not having a cock, or Barbie not having a tramp stamp.
I think it's pretty safe to say that tornadoes hate poor, white people.
I have a talk with myself on a regular basis, just to find out what the fuck is going on.
One of my biggest fears is my family having an intervention for me, and I end up having to tell my grandma to fuck off. I love my grandma.
When I'm running late and a cop shows up in another lane, everyone starts driving like they have 6 pounds of weed and a body in their trunk
Look you cock sucker. It's a fucking baseball cap so wear it like a baseball player. Bend the bill and take the fucking stickers off. Christ
Acting like a goofball in public to make my 3 y/o neice laugh her ass off and this broad shakes her head at me in disgust. She's the problem
I live vicariously through my algae eater. He has this kickass castle, a mermaid friend that plays a ukulele and a bubbling treasure chest.
Sorry, people in an old ass van, brokedown on a country back road...but I've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre one too many times.
Unless you're a beer commercial, my stomach growling, or my alarm clock, stop telling me what the fuck to do.
If you grew up in the late 80s early 90s and didnt have to ride around in a beat up station wagon with no tinted windows well then fuck you.
My son got his 4th grade yearbook today. I can't wait to drink beer and make fun of his hairdo, with his friends, in about 15 years.
This 4 year old kid next door keeps on talking shit. I'm taking mental notes. 18 Comes quicker than you think, fucker.
*Parks car. *Sprays self with Tim McGraw cologne. *Enters grocery side of super Walmart. *Blows out shoulder fending off pussy.
I jump roped last night for the first time since I was 17. I don't remember my balls bouncing around that much back then.
I recorded my neighbor's dog barking for the past 3 hours. Can't wait to play it for them through my guitar amp when they get home tonight.
"Ice Road Sasquatch Pawn Swamp Loggers"
I'm not letting the sadness of this swamp drag me under, like it did that fucking horse in The Neverending Story. Fuck that stupid horse.
When the fuck did Walgreens get fancy? There's a fucking deli in here and a fat guy walking around asking everybody if they're doing okay.
This guy I pissed off at work just shot me with several imaginary guns. The shotgun hurt the worst.
I grew up tall and I grew up right. I don't have time for this shit. DM me for directions to the Waffle House closest to me. We can hang out.