I am giving my Wife the silent treatment. Unfortunately, she is not returning the favor.

If you swallowed a bird to catch a spider and you swallowed a spider to catch a fly. You will probably swallow anything so give me a call.

I look so peaceful when my kids are asleep.

It would probably suck having Salvador Dali as your partner during a game of Pictionary.

Who ever said that, "laughter is the best medicine", never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray.

Do you know who has a bad sense of direction?
This guy. =======>

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

There is nothing worse than thinking of a really funny Tweet during sex and having to
fake an orgasm so You can go and write it down.

I find it awkward when someone knows what my name is but I don't remember their name ... so I usually just roll over and go back to sleep.

If she calls it a "penis" chances are she is not going to suck it.

Knock knock?? Who's there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

The liquor store just presented me with a life time achievement award.

I just told my Wife I love her.




I think I might be coming down with stockholm syndrome.

How lazy does a guy have to be to actually pay for a hand job?

The price of gasoline is getting so expensive, that every time I fill up my tank, it doubles the value of my car.

It was sad to hear that Demi Moore is losing custody of Ashton Kutcher.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Apparently, my super power is the ability to make green traffic lights turn red just by approaching them.

When ever Sarah Palin does a televison interview the camera seems to make her look 10 pounds dumber.