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If I ever commit suicide, I'm going to ask a random lady on the street if she wants tickets to the gun show, then I'll blow my head off.
Chevy runs deep. So deep put her ass to sleep.
Take a second to congratulate yourself on the will power that it takes to keep your diet from being 95% Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems and it feels overwhelming sometimes, like my life is out of control.
I live in New York, so to make sure I don't offend anybody, instead of Happy Holidays, I say Happy Hannukah.
Jemima Kirke is on the show Girls. Who names their kid Jemima? It probably means princess in Swahili, but in English, it means racist syrup.
A Spanish girl falls in love with a sentient robot. iPapi.
The oldest trick in the book is actually convincing someone to eat an apple they're not supposed to.
I favorite your tweets so you remember that I exist.
I’m 73% sure my life is a mockumentary.
It's sad that Martha Raddatz is making 75% of what Jim Lehrer made to host the debates. #vpdebate
My text message says "ha", but my face says, "I'm incapable of joy."
I want to be so famous that all of my kids end up being DJs.
I am an acquired taste. I'm socially awkward, but occasionally funny given the correct lighting.