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If your girlfriend asks you how you rate her on a scale of one to ten, don’t ask if personality should factor in.
If I ever commit suicide, I'm going to ask a random lady on the street if she wants tickets to the gun show, then I'll blow my head off.
Chevy runs deep. So deep put her ass to sleep.
Take a second to congratulate yourself on the will power that it takes to keep your diet from being 95% Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems and it feels overwhelming sometimes, like my life is out of control.
I know I've been living in New York for a while, because my dumb person voice went from a red neck to an Italian guy.
“Stop hating yourself so much, faggot!” - A thing I just said to myself in my head.
When will you assholes get this through your dumb fucking skulls? I am a god damn joy to be around.
I live in New York, so to make sure I don't offend anybody, instead of Happy Holidays, I say Happy Hannukah.
Quick tip... If you want to look up a good cream pie recipe, turn on google safe search.
Jemima Kirke is on the show Girls. Who names their kid Jemima? It probably means princess in Swahili, but in English, it means racist syrup.
A Spanish girl falls in love with a sentient robot. iPapi.
I’m 73% sure my life is a mockumentary.
If you're living your life right, pizza is a side dish.
If you’re under 5’8”, a mustache isn’t for you. You just look like a child in a costume.
On a bike ride wine tasting on Long Island. Does anybody know how to block Groupon on my girlfriend’s computer?
The oldest trick in the book is actually convincing someone to eat an apple they're not supposed to.
I favorite your tweets so you remember that I exist.
I am an acquired taste. I'm socially awkward, but occasionally funny given the correct lighting.