If I ever commit suicide, I'm going to ask a random lady on the street if she wants tickets to the gun show, then I'll blow my head off.

Chevy runs deep. So deep put her ass to sleep.

Take a second to congratulate yourself on the will power that it takes to keep your diet from being 95% Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

If you having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems and it feels overwhelming sometimes, like my life is out of control.

I live in New York, so to make sure I don't offend anybody, instead of Happy Holidays, I say Happy Hannukah.

Jemima Kirke is on the show Girls. Who names their kid Jemima? It probably means princess in Swahili, but in English, it means racist syrup.

A Spanish girl falls in love with a sentient robot. iPapi.

The oldest trick in the book is actually convincing someone to eat an apple they're not supposed to.

I favorite your tweets so you remember that I exist.

I’m 73% sure my life is a mockumentary.

.@mittromney I'm very glad that your "lie about everything all the time" strategy didn't work. #USAUSAUSA

It's sad that Martha Raddatz is making 75% of what Jim Lehrer made to host the debates. #vpdebate

.@comedycentral My aunt said I should ask you to put me on tv. Since that’s how show business works, I await your call.

My text message says "ha", but my face says, "I'm incapable of joy."

I want to be so famous that all of my kids end up being DJs.

I hate @adam_cozens, but there were a lot of great people at his We're Glad You're Leaving New York party.

#FF these great broads. @alyssawolff @mariaelizabest @katrahigher @kathweems @adam_cozens

Drunk tonight at @creekandcave. Had the best time. I love you all. Fuck @adam_cozens!

Update: @adam_cozens is still horrible.

Ay, girl! Let me put my dick on that asymmetrical haircut! #hipstercatcalls