If you've made it your whole life without being arrested...you're doing it wrong...

Fuck me...Fuck this...Fuck you

i'm pretty sure you are all asleep when I type all my good shit

I am multitasking the Fuck outta today

I love to communicate with people... But only in the most distant & insincere ways...

Remember natural selection....I miss that...

Yes I am reading twitter while you talk to me...

1. I am a master multi-tasker

2. You are fucking boring the shit outta me...

Parents who say they never have sex because...they are parents...have obviously never heard of bathroom sex...

if work calls me tomorrow it better be to say they are going outta business...

So many parents are in such a hurry to drop off their kids at the school they should just make a tuck n roll lane...

If America is just gonna accept the high unemployment rate...I say we start a rotation for it...some of us could use a year vacation...

I can hear kids & families from blocks and blocks away...





...I wonder if any of them have any idea how shitfuckin loud they are???

I said I try not to scream obscenities in public... Not that I don't...

Twitter proving daily that we all self 'medicate'

Twitter is a lot like real life...


I say shit people pretend not to hear...

I hope I live long enough too see all the asshats who put gadged holes in their body's hit their 80's so I can laugh at them...again

My dog loves me...because he thinks I control the noodles...and I do...

How do you call yourself "rational" and "a believer in god"...these things don't seem to go together to me...

I have a hard time believing ya'll are partyin so hard & have time too tweet every 60 seconds...

I think simply knowing I have to work tomorrow, when I am supposed to be off, has nearly killed my will too...well anything