I've started drinking with my left hand so I don't ever have to put my iPhone down.

I sincerely believe that I am the funniest motherfucker who will never get to 100 followers.

Hmm, thin lips + snaggle teeth = more risk than I am drunk enough to take.

I often star tweets to encourage poor life choices.

My repeated requests to institute Pelvic Thrust Thursdays here at the firm have led to the removal of the suggestion box.

I have a sock drawer full of fantasies.

Wtf? I just watched Life of Pi. If I wanted allegory about death and abandonment, I'd have watched my unedited wedding video.

If my nuts fell off in a bloody mess once a month, I might be cranky too.

Apparently, the eighth rule of Fight Club is no masturbating during Fight Club.

Just finished playing Mortal Kombat with my 10 year old. Totally beat her ass. Will tweet more later. Cops are here.

I just bought P90x because I haven't failed miserably at enough things yet.

My 9 y.o. decided to run across the kitchen and jump kick my wife. When asked why, her response was that she likes to try new things.

My helper monkey has ordered me to kill again. He's so adorable, I just have to obey.

Women's MMA. But with makeup sex.

It gets harder and harder to chase a dream. Apparently, they've figured out that I will just end up crushing them.

How is it that I hear so much talk of mercy fucking, and yet, I am standing here not being fucked?

My only sex move is 3:00 am rollover hard-on poke.

Nothing pulls me out of the moment of passionate sex quicker than a call from the wife or when "she" has a bigger boner than me.

I yearn for a simpler time when I could've just accused my wife of being a witch and gotten rid of her that way.

Is it gay to dress up like Vikings and play Leif Blower with the gardener?

Asking for a friend.