Ever mess up a DM so bad that you remove your phone's battery and hide in the closet?

Bank robbers are so rude. Hostages on the floor for hours... If you see me bringing throw pillows into a bank, shit's about to get hectic.

I love the fact that you make me laugh and feel violated at the same time.

My career as a live model was cut short by standards and mall security.

The only sexual position I don't enjoy is bystander.

Does Favstar offer unemployment assistance? Asking for all of us.

Watching people I follow interact is like watching friends have sex on my mom's bed.

Some days you just have to slap your own ass and say "Good game."

That moment when you think I'm great at foreplay just before realizing that was the whole show.

Why did no one tell me about the Cadbury caramel eggs? If you need me, I'll be in my room and VERY sticky.

Sometimes, trying to plug my phone into the charger in the dark feels like prom night.

If you get subpoenaed, none of this ever happened...

Are you awake? I haven't been twit-stalking you long enough to know what time zone you're in...

Sometimes, I unfollow and immediately follow again and pretend we're playing "just the tip"

Oh sure, you love it when I favorite all over your face on Twitter, but I try it one time in real life...

I just mopped the kitchen by shuffling around on a towel wearing camo shorts. In case you needed any sexy new roleplaying ideas...

I finally met my Twitter crush last night! Can someone bring bolt cutters?

Before you dismiss a guy for having a gamer chair, try having sex in it first. You're welcome :)

I call them streamers instead of tassels because I'm a family-oriented stripper.

Stirring egg salad sounds like zombies having sex.