Talking is texting for old people.

If you don't drink, why would you go camping?

How did it ever cross the Scarecrow's mind that he didn't have a brain?

My neighbors have inspired me to take up a new hobby. . . building a moat.

Who was the lazy ass that named the orange?

Is Donkey Kong really the best measure of when it's on?

I can smell some people just by looking at them.

Everything is better with bacon. Unless, of course, it's Kevin Bacon.

Does anyone else get the idea that Lionel Ritchie's Sunday mornings are a little easier than the rest of ours?

Does anyone else think love triangles are a little obtuse? I mean they're just not right. . .

The biggest anorexic I know is my wallet.

I always compete with my siblings to get my dad the best Fathers Day present; however, it always ends in a tie.

Jimi Hendrix was the king of positive feedback.

Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to vote Republican and remove all doubt.

Algebra. . . Still have never used it.

If you don't unpack from the last trip, you're all packed for the next one.

There's a hole in my bucket list.

Cats are pure evil wrapped in fur.

Fathers Day is like reminding a prisoner of his life sentence.

Febreeze works best if you just spray it up your nose.