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@shotofbull My other ride was your mom but the engine leaked and the bumper dragged.
@themanstatus Nerf guns are parenting genius!Me:"What did you just say?" 12:@#$#"POP!" 12:"You just shot me!"Me:"Your issue is?"
@thatupsdude Condolences. Hang in there.
@themanstatus not at my gym. Here it's the smell of overheating rubber as things begin to sag and drag.
@panettasexytime That's because the AFLAC duck is blackmailing them to keep quiet. Something about a cockatoo and 2 hamsters…
@chagger73 so totally true! I'm not catholic but is 8 to young for a nunnery?
@chagger73 8 just told me hers is Kayden and he has a faux hawk, "but it's okay cause its not a Mohawk." FML
@tomjonesn where's the buffalo trace bourbon?
@tomjonesn invest in a nerf gun...For you. Not them. VERY cathartic.
@xalqee cause everyone bitches when we wear socks with our sandals!
@tomjonesn Your good so long as your laundry isn't SuperDry... cause that shit burns!
@armenianhbilly maybe... It's 5 am here and I'm half awake. Easy target or hard target?
8: "I've got a squirrel caught in my smurf thingy and I think he needs to go to the vet!!!"We live in Vegas. No squirrels. WTF?!?!?
@armenianhbilly damn! That must have been a helluva fart!
@frankie_val I always forget... Are Monday's right- or left-hand days?
@gaydeceiver awesome! Had that one as a kid.
@theabstractass There was a government study: officially larger than a "crap load", but not quite as a big as a "F-ing Shit Load."
@armenianhbilly And avoid bottle calves at all costs… unless of course your into that sort of thing, then BRING. IT. ON!
@verifiedjayy Isn't that an Arkansas 3-way?
@sashabrenner Easy: go for the Pumpkin Spice Latte WITH the salted caramel cake pop!
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