@shotofbull My other ride was your mom but the engine leaked and the bumper dragged.

@themanstatus Nerf guns are parenting genius!

Me:"What did you just say?"

12:@#$#

"POP!"

12:"You just shot me!"

Me:"Your issue is?"

@thatupsdude Condolences. Hang in there.

@themanstatus not at my gym. Here it's the smell of overheating rubber as things begin to sag and drag.

@panettasexytime That's because the AFLAC duck is blackmailing them to keep quiet. Something about a cockatoo and 2 hamsters…

@chagger73 so totally true! I'm not catholic but is 8 to young for a nunnery?

@chagger73 8 just told me hers is Kayden and he has a faux hawk, "but it's okay cause its not a Mohawk." FML

@tomjonesn where's the buffalo trace bourbon?

@tomjonesn invest in a nerf gun...

For you. Not them. VERY cathartic.

@xalqee cause everyone bitches when we wear socks with our sandals!

@tomjonesn Your good so long as your laundry isn't SuperDry... cause that shit burns!

@armenianhbilly maybe... It's 5 am here and I'm half awake. Easy target or hard target?

8: "I've got a squirrel caught in my smurf thingy and I think he needs to go to the vet!!!"

We live in Vegas. No squirrels. WTF?!?!?

@armenianhbilly damn! That must have been a helluva fart!

@frankie_val I always forget... Are Monday's right- or left-hand days?

@gaydeceiver awesome! Had that one as a kid.

@theabstractass There was a government study: officially larger than a "crap load", but not quite as a big as a "F-ing Shit Load."

@armenianhbilly And avoid bottle calves at all costs… unless of course your into that sort of thing, then BRING. IT. ON!

@verifiedjayy Isn't that an Arkansas 3-way?

@sashabrenner Easy: go for the Pumpkin Spice Latte WITH the salted caramel cake pop!