The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

Don't judge a book by its cover. And don't cover a judge with a book. And don't book a judge for a cover. GOT IT?

@uberfacts Yeah dogs are such homophobic jerks, mine won't even lick my balls anymore.

My new girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous but talks like a 40 year old man. Still, can't wait to finally meet her in person. :)

You can’t spell ‘suspense’ without

I listen to rap music on the train incase someone mugs me so when they take my iPod they look and think 'actually he's cool he can keep it.'

Apparently my password is insecure. Probably because it's so small.

You say potato, I say this isn't going to work written down.

I worked for five hours straight, then three hours gay, a quick ten minutes bi, now back to straight. Knackered.

The Fashion Police must have the coolest uniforms.

I have taken further steps. @orangeuk pic.twitter.com/fadY0tRgiu

Can't believe Justin Bieber was 40 MINUTES late to the stage last night! Doesn't sound like long but I was holding a shit in my hand.

Having a singalong with my cat. This was during a high note. pic.twitter.com/JlcPMUpObh

The T-Rex always plays his cards close to his chest.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you're making this VERY DIFFICULT.

My girlfriend just April Fools'd me so hard by not existing at any stage of my life.

Justin Bieber gets 40,000 retweets for just tweeting 'Hello', so here's my attempt:

Hele0iM1.

Ah, harder than it looks. Fair play to him.

@uberfacts which guy? what the fuck are you talking about? you've fucking lost it mate.

If Adele ever says she’s going to “release a fragrance”, don’t stand behind her for a while.

I may have been a bit self-absorbed rhysently.