im gonna eat a pizza then begin my 2 hour meditation before i livetweet eurovision. its gonna happen people. unfollow me while you can

CONGRATULATIONS BRADFORD FOR WINNING THE PLAYOFFS CELEBRATE WITH A FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE SONG THAT HAS NO RELEVANCE

i dont know if you guys know this but I FUCKING LOVE EUROVISION

Don't watch any of the Fast and Furious movies with me if you don't want to hear me say "SPOILER ALERT" every time a new car shows up.

Growing consensus that Lampard invented the late run into the box. For 130-odd years, it seems, everyone arrived promptly into penalty areas

Give a man a fish and he will live for a day. Fill a submarine with fish and there will be hell to pay, young man.

#YouTubeChatUpLines Is that a copyright infringement in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

Train's here. Cannibalism averted.

My motto is "Sometimes compromise". It used to be "Never compromise", but y'know.

Deal or Ordeal

#IfIWasJustinBieber I would stop telling impressionable teens that Hitler was cool. Please #beliebers don't follow Justin's love of hitler

Only 90's kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Tomorrow morning I have to write about Margaret Thatcher for a Japanese magazine and go to a two-hour skipping festival.

society

What's the right age to tell your kids that canada isn't a country?

I wish I had J Lo's butt & Angelina Jolie's legs & Madonna's arms & the head of a goat

once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me

Does Ryan Gosling talk words in this new movie?

Well its 1.30am, I'm on beer number 3 and the Nigella cooking show is on. Better strap in for a sexy entertainment thrill ride.