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He's checking it once.
He's checking it twice.
He's checking it three times.
He's got OCD.
Amazing to think some of the original tamagotchis are now at university.
Eating your entire advent calendar is the saddest form of time travel.
All my tweets are my own. If someone else has a similar tweet, it's mainly because my thoughts are really not that original.
Handjob porn isn't real porn.
I hate when you fuckres get all earnest
The trick to living life is figuring out whether you're the experiment or the control group.
Miley Cyrus and baby Prince George were named 2013s most fascinating people... probably because both of them have the IQ of an infant.
today in "things that can't possibly be as good as their titles," a story titled "your duck is my duck"
Eyes: Damn she's hot.
Brain: Yes, but she has a dude.
Mouth: Excuse me, are you with her?
Legs: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAA
I'm surprised some of you can even dress yourselves.
There once was a man from Nantucket and he was like the whitest person I've ever met.
I'm finally getting around to seeing The Passion of the Christ. Please, no spoilers.
don't own the president... don't own the president... [goes to shake his hand but then whips my hand back and runs it through my hair] fuck
The passion Sisqo poured into the bridge of 'Thong Song' makes me want to be a better man.
What will Roy Hodgson have to say at half ti...ah, you've all done this, I see.
My various escapades attempting to avoid Merthyr-based death.