I tweeted all my good tweets before you started following me.

Ladies say that men think with their dicks, well if that is the case feel free to blow my mind.

Google is attempting to acquire WhatsApp for near 1 Billion dollars. They should just download it for free like the rest of us.

Don't read this tweet. Why don't you heed on simple instructions? Okay stop here! Don't read past this part. Ugh, You idiot.

If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

I'll go batshit insane and donkey punch someone if they ever shut down Twitter. I'm not kidding you.

Dear tweeps with egg avis, please hatch.

I just broke up with my vegetarian girlfriend. I told her, "it's not you, it's meat."

Immortals be like

"YOL∞!"

This toothpaste claims "triple action" but only has one hole.

class Kanu {
function Moi(){
return 100yrs;
}
};

class Jubilee extends Kanu {
function Uhuru(){
echo "Hello World";
}
};

Only an idiot would judge a person by their race or religion and not what their favorite TV show is.

I water my flowers every time I get laid. They are all dead now.

There is one rule on Twitter. Be yourself. Don't let anything or anybody here change who you really are.

You become better if you compete with yourself. If
you're always competing with
others, you become bitter.

Sleep is my drug, my bed is the dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

Ladies who give hickeys to every dude they bump into at a bar are just social neckworking.

To be frank, the thought that someone reads anything I tweet kinda freaks me out a little.

For those who don't get 50%+1. Assume a wavefunction treats the object as a quantum harmonic oscillator and it's akin to acoustic resonance

S/O to all the Kisiis on Twitter. You're an exception because you logged in successfully.