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Creationist schools should be allowed on condition they build them in six days and enrol dinosaurs.
I want Doctor Who to regenerate into an elderly man again so the tedious sexual tension would be either absent or morbidly inappropriate.
It's time China moved beyond the one-party political system and embraced democracy like we in the West, by wearing different coloured ties.
How many Tories does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just get a Lib Dem to set himself on fire.
In my work related training this morning I got to shout 'FUCK OFF SUSAN!' into the face of a middle aged woman named Susan. Good training.
Until this weekend I really wanted to abolish the monarchy. But now I realise there are more pressing concerns. Like abolishing monarchists.
My dog just sniffed my MacBook and clicked open an article for a missing boy with his nose. If they remade Lassie today this is how it'd be.
Women get a day, black people a month, but dogs, dragons, rabbits, oxen, monkeys, snakes, pigs, sheep & rats get whole years. Seems whack.
Just browsing in a tombstone showroom. Couldn't tell which one would look good on me so I put 'astroturf slankets' in the suggestion box.
Bit ironic when Britain falsely detain a guy called Miranda to pursue American legal interests that we then deny him his Miranda rights.
"I'll be watching Luther because Idris Elbadonkadonk." - Everyone, in their heads, I assume.
A time traveller's phrase book would be full of things not to say, like 'what did your last slave die of?' and 'yummy mummy'.
IT'S HORSES! SOYLENT GREEN IS HORSES!
Don't forget to vote today. It's bullshit, but still.
Dear BBC, please commission Young, Bright and on the Right for a whole series. It can be your answer to TOWIE and my new favourite sitcom.
Person in Sheffield who does stand up and runs @square_hole comedy.