Alan Rickman's only thankful for the Harry Potter movies because bank and airport security guards don't think he's Hans Gruber anymore.

I really hate having to tuck my shirt into my jeans at work. I look like Jeff Foxworthy minus the pedostache and van full of 5th graders.

Unleashing happy people on an unsuspecting office at 8 am should be an OSHA violation.

"Oh YEAH? Well, I peed a little every time you went down on me!"

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to misattribute a quote to Mark Twain and remove all doubt.

I'm not saying this game is depressing, but I just switched over from beer to raw cookie dough. #capitalstalk

"That fat guy in Se7en who's killed with tons of spaghetti? I hope that happens to you, but with dicks." - anniversary card from my wife

When I cum inside a woman on the pill, I like to imagine her ovaries say, "Stop all engines! Repel boarders!" FLASH! *crackle* AH-AHHHH!

Whichever auto maker finally adds a "sync to radio" setting for the windshield wipers will receive my credit rating and a sandwich.

I'm badass. I once escaped from prison with a rope made of tampon strings and overpowered guards in a TSS rage. (Hello, women unfollowers.)

It's touching to see the French fighting with us again. It's like we got our LeBeau back for another season of Hogan's Heroes.

You can tell how far off a storm is by counting the seconds between the thunder and somebody asking, "Was that thunder?"

@lillyhale1 Calm down, Nancy Drew. It's not like the police assigned 2 more detectives to the "Case of the Size and Color of Your Nipples."

Hey, @rushlimbaugh. My wife and I get her contraception through insurance. Call her a slut again and see what a feminist really looks like.

It creeps me out when my friends have babies because then I know they're not pulling out or sticking to anal.

It's more than a little fucked up that "man on the street" interviews never include homeless people.

No Star Wars Day listed in my Star Wars calendar? I'm starting to think May the Fourth isn't canon.

Got called out for not knowing what pasta I was eating. I'm Italian, not "fights people who don't think Marconi invented the radio" Italian.

Whenever you think your opinion is worth something, remember: we only pay $3 a minute for someone to talk dirty to us.

@thenardvark Is that a Gucci hemorrhoid pillow, the ultimate in anal status items?