God I hate when an idiot calls me smart.

Why does everything in a health food store look like something I could find a worm in?

Coffee isn't your recreational drug -- talking about it is.

So when married couples do Date Night, it's always with each other? Right?

How is the teen out on a date and I'm on twitter? Excuse me while I go bitchslap karma.

Siri says "I'm sorry" a lot but it doesn't sound sincere.

Your education is not a sword. It's a shield.

This dog totally doesn't get my jokes. Or math.

There is nothing before or after "no offense" that isn't.

I don't get "Glee", but if I did I would hope that antibiotics would cure it.

Heading out. The only difference between me and the Toronto hookers is that I'm bringing the dog to negotiate.

Answering a phone on a Sunday never leads to anything good.

Just learned 2 things: 1.The dog doesn't like to have staring contests at 3 am. 2. I now know what "f... you" sounds like in dog speak.

As you get older your preference is to receive "like" consistently, than "love" intermittently.

Help -- I've fallen and can't remember my postal code.

Today I made four people break their resolutions - thus keeping mine.

Pot-luck is socialism, right?

The problem with this dog of mine is no matter how many PowerPoint slides I use, he still won't get me a beer.

25 years ago today, my friend Mike proved my Guyanese accent by showing how I say "steereo" for stereo. On another note, Mike's a dick.

Generally, when someone offers me a grenade I usually only take the pin.