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God I hate when an idiot calls me smart.
So when married couples do Date Night, it's always with each other? Right?
Why does everything in a health food store look like something I could find a worm in?
Coffee isn't your recreational drug -- talking about it is.
As you get older your preference is to receive "like" consistently, than "love" intermittently.
How is the teen out on a date and I'm on twitter? Excuse me while I go bitchslap karma.
Happy Independence Day to my American friends. I can still remember when Will Smith blew up the alien ship, like it was yesterday.
Siri says "I'm sorry" a lot but it doesn't sound sincere.
Your education is not a sword. It's a shield.
If you can’t solve your problem over a pool table and a pitcher seek medical attention.
I'm not ashamed to admit my favourite burger topping is another burger.
I come home every night and declare, "well, this dog isn't going to walk himself." Then, for an hour we walk and I lecture him on sarcasm.
This dog totally doesn't get my jokes. Or math.
There is nothing before or after "no offense" that isn't.
I don't get "Glee", but if I did I would hope that antibiotics would cure it.
Heading out. The only difference between me and the Toronto hookers is that I'm bringing the dog to negotiate.
Insecure and confident writers go to the same bar: editors.
Nothing makes a year go by faster than a promise to do something specific within it.
Answering a phone on a Sunday never leads to anything good.
Just learned 2 things: 1.The dog doesn't like to have staring contests at 3 am. 2. I now know what "f... you" sounds like in dog speak.
Writer/street walker. Personal assistant to a narcistic rott, Shade. Single dad. Trouble maker. Almost witty.
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