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Currently on a payment plan to bring sexy back. Easy monthly payments of $69 oddly enough.
I didn't call you an asshole. I said you should use Preparation H for lip gloss, that's all.
I am easiest the youngest person playing bingo by 125 years.
Noise reducing headphones, but for the voices in my head.
Walk into room full of female dogs
"What's up bitches?"
I thought my notifications were broken. Turns out I just have shitty tweets.
I wish I would have kissed you when I had the chance.
Ever look in the mirror and think "meh, fuck it"?
I don't mean to brag, but I'm married and sleep alone every night.
I'm so good at my wrestling my demons that I was just contacted to be in the main event on Raw.
Sometimes when you let something go, it does come back.
And when it does, you realize how much it was worth in the first place.
The Beatles said love is all you need.
Fuck that, give me whiskey.
Money can't buy you love. But, it can buy you a chainsaw and whiskey.
So, close enough I guess.
Of all the things that I miss, the illusion of happiness is the biggest...
Who the fuck was Carmen San Diego and why in the fuck did we keep looking for her?
How many calories does wrestling my demons burn? Asking for myself.
People who pay for porn: why?
The hell I have been through pales on comparison to the heaven that you bring my life...
If I left all social media, there would be like 4 people that would miss me.
On second thought, maybe 3.
Father of 2. Woodworking, photography, and harassing the general public are my hobbies.
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