Can't spell "Santa" without Satan!

The word pizzazz makes me want pizza and to put sparkles on everything.

People just love talking about themselves. I'm not like that. I never talk about myself. I don't think anyone cares. I'm just that cool.

If your mom was really the best, she would have already of made sure that you understand the difference between "your" and "you're"

I understand why Glee is fun, I just happen to understand how it sucks a lot better.

I was going to say "bitch about", but clearly I've still managed to find a way.

Has someone's hair ever made you hungry?

My teacher just high-fived me and I don't high-five and omg social interaction and germs! NOOO!!

Almost all of my grandpa's stories start out with "Yesterday, at McDonalds"

I am officially the coolest person I know. I'm a fucking cucumber.

I wish I was a small child alone in New York by myself around christmas time for two years in a row, avoiding bad guys & buying crazy shit.

WE DON'T BOWL. WE ONLY GO THERE FOR THE NACHOS!!

This country needs more extremists. People who will hunt down every mother (and father) on Toddlers & Tiaras and shoot them in the face.

I'm only racist on Black Friday.

I live off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Doritos.

Eye contact was created by the Devil.

Are we still calling God "Morgan Freeman"?

For now on, I'm eating icecream with gloves on. I'm sick of looking ridiculous, shivering with pink hands.

Over the summer, I plan on getting tan, losing weight, and reading a bunch. If not, atleast I'll have this tweet to laugh about. ;^>

Live tweeting from my grandma's nursing home