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Good tweets make you laugh. Great tweets make you google the references you don't understand, read three wikipedia articles, then laugh.
"Liking" your mother's Facebook status counts as a phone call, right?
Grab the book nearest you right now. Turn to page 56. Find the 5th sentence. Punch yourself in the face repeatedly. Cancel Facebook account.
The tot is easily my favorite configuration of tater.
You can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a disturbing colloquialism.
Trader Joe's is finally coming to Kansas City. At long last, I can finally buy whatever they sell there that people will not shut up about.
You'll fax it to me? Great. Could you also tape Dynasty for me tonight? Thanks.
Before fulfilling your request, I'd like to respectfully direct your attention to this list of people who are not the boss of me.
It's kinda cool that we live in a time when we get to see Luke Wilson slowly turn into Beau Bridges.
A flotilla sounds delicious.
Guess how many swear words I used today. Give up? All of them. All of the swear words.
Whenever I crave ramen noodles, I worry that my body is sensing some oncoming financial doom.
I just flew in from Argentina and boy are my arms having an affair.
This weekend I'm going to my step-mother's family reunion. This is one of those rare family reunions where I can legally hit on *anyone*.
There should be a Favrd for what you decide not to tweet. People can show their approval by saying, "Yes, I'm glad you did not tweet that."
I could Select All > Delete to clear my email inbox. But it's more fun to delete them one by one while making a PEW PEW PEW sound.
Jesus divides his followers into lists:
This is a bad day to be a homophobic Kansas State fan.
I sometimes pretend that certain parts of the floor are lava and that my life has meaning.
I didn't say you actually ate a baby. I said you look like a person who *would* eat a baby. For a priest, you're not a very good listener.