Drummers: We have been replaced by a kick drum and a lead singer of a folk band with a heavy foot. #Grammys

Take a listen, play it loud, & RT if you dig it. Thanks. -- "Yellow Belly" #thrice #majorminor -- http://t.co/DGKKiBN

There is a "rapper" named Pitbull and he looks like a penis wearing sunglasses. I'm so confused, you guys.

If the team you root for doesn't make the postseason, the next best thing is rooting against the Yankees. And when they lose, it's awesome.

Grammys drinking game: Every time LL Cool J licks his lips, you drink. Then you die … an hour into the show.

Wish I could muster up 1/100th of the amount of excitement our dogs have before I feed them THE SAME FUCKING FOOD THEY EAT EVERY DAY.

Wanna ruin your week? Watch an episode of Hoarders in which a woman’s home is littered w/ garbage & dead animals. Then, imagine her vagina.

Dear kids, "lol" is not an acceptable way to punctuate the end of a sentence. #getoffmylawn

I can’t put tonight into words yet. I might try to in a day or two, but for now all I can say is thank you. Thank you so much. #Thrice

If u grab the sun w/ your bare hand & throw it into a tunnel, a train will come out & make it snow, & everyone will have shitty beer. #Coors

If history repeats itself, in a few yrs, @conanobrien will regret using the word THRICE, & his fans will tell him his old stuff was better.

Just saw a guy aggressively picking his nose and mouthbreathing while wearing a "COME AT ME BRO" tee.

Thank you, universe.

Having confetti fall after a one-point win over a team that has lost 11 straight is like lighting fireworks after shitting your pants.

Portland: A city full of legitimately weird people trying to be outweirded by people who are trying really, really hard to be weird.

It's about that time! Celebrate Pubecember by shaving off your pubes & gluing them to your face to raise awareness for Werewolf Syndrome.

If what I've seen today is any indication, 100% of One Direction's fan base is unfortunately proportioned 12-16 year-old bipolar females

The boner I had for Christina Aguilera in 1999 just turned into a raisin.

All the nouns have been verbed, all the wolves & bears located, all the vampires placed, all the months burnt & extraneous punctuation used

Gangnam Style: I don't get it. Sorry, Earth.

After Beggars leaked 3 mos early, it's awfully refreshing to know people are hearing Major/Minor for the 1st time because they bought vinyl.