Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will put me into a deep depression and I'll resort to alcoholism.

Blowjobs are better when girls use their vagina lips.

Hey assholes: The goal of a handshake is to shake hands, not crush the opponents metacarpals.

david guetta's music is like catnip for drunk white bitches

Everybody does a little "manscaping" now and then. I personally have over 20 dead males in my backyard.

I'm going to start cooking with cilantro so all of my meals taste like shit.

I just dared my friend to take a black light into my shower. She's blind now.

I hate when people put words into my mouth. Unless that word is penis.

I think I need a hug. Around my penis. With your mouth. :(

Just took such a violent shit that it sounded like I just had a miscarriage.

I don't want to hear about your how bad your life is. Being a teenager I know my life is WAY harder. I also know everything.

Just found out my name in Chinese is "Thai Ni Dong".
Shit.

Ever been so high that you just need a nice tall glass of Nissan Altima?

I only make myself throw up when I'm drunk and after every meal.

If I were a girl I would change "pull my finger" to "pull my string", and it would be 5000 times scarier than anything.

Cool trick guys: If you call someone a cunt, you can cancel it out by saying "No offense."

The sexiest thing I've ever done is eat Teddy Grahams in my underwear.

i think edward and jacob should have just beat the shit out of bella and went fishing with her dad cuz he seemed like a cool guy.

It sucks that my two best friends will never get along, because one is my dog and the other is chocolate.

Sometimes Skrillex just sounds like someone playing Bop-It really fast.