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If you wanna confuse one person, use compound sentences. If you want to confuse an entire community, install a 4-way stop sign.
Dear South: It's called the "Civil War," not The War of Northern Attrition. It's over, & time to take the confederate sticker off your truck
Any woman who gets a flower tattoo on their boob when they are young will likely have a long-stemmed rose by 50.
No matter how old I get, every time I open a birthday card, I secretly hope there's a check inside.
I'd like to think that every time my Blackberry freezes, someone over at RIM gets a high voltage shock.
Do you think people w mobile homes look back after a tornado/storm & say "ya know, we probably should've just driven it away."
Hey-remember that commercial where they park the jeep on that giant boulder? Yeah, no...you can't do that. Trust me.
Wow thank you, spelling bot for providing me with a long list of alternative words for a spelling mistake. Spell this: Go fuck yourself.
Happy Easter from a Jew Or as some of you refer to it: The day on which your savior, Jesus Christ, whom my people killed, rose from the dead
The crudely-etched plastic block paperweight is the worst gift ever. I can totally use its sharp edges to slit my wrists. Thanks, douche.
I think everyone needs to be less interested in themselves and more interested in me. I'm probably more interesting and I have cookies.
If I ever join a dating site I'll have to lie about my hobbies bc I guess "enjoys how-to books on stalking & murder" makes people nervous.
My neighbor's house burned down this morning. On the up side, their Christmas decorations are finally down.
The epitome of lazy is dragging a lamp into the bathroom after the very last bulb in the vanity finally went out.
Even when it's cold & snowing in NY, I take comfort in the fact that I don't live in a state that has a lot of snow AND Sarah Palin.
If you purchase a minivan, you are required to drive 10 mph under the speed limit in the left lane with your right blinker on. #Fact
Thanks to the show 16 & Pregnant, more moms than ever will be celebrating the day at Dave & Busters and crying themselves to sleep tonight.
We DO have a lot in common! You like darts...darts are sharp...I like sharp objects bc they're good for stabbing. Hey, where you are going?
Dear Kevin James, please stop making movies. Sincerely, America
It doesn't matter how much antibacterial soap you use - the shame doesn't scrub off.