If you wanna confuse one person, use compound sentences. If you want to confuse an entire community, install a 4-way stop sign.

Dear South: It's called the "Civil War," not The War of Northern Attrition. It's over, & time to take the confederate sticker off your truck

I'd like to think that every time my Blackberry freezes, someone over at RIM gets a high voltage shock.

Do you think people w mobile homes look back after a tornado/storm & say "ya know, we probably should've just driven it away."

Any woman who gets a flower tattoo on their boob when they are young will likely have a long-stemmed rose by 50.

No matter how old I get, every time I open a birthday card, I secretly hope there's a check inside.

Wow thank you, spelling bot for providing me with a long list of alternative words for a spelling mistake. Spell this: Go fuck yourself.

Happy Easter from a Jew Or as some of you refer to it: The day on which your savior, Jesus Christ, whom my people killed, rose from the dead

Hey-remember that commercial where they park the jeep on that giant boulder? Yeah, no...you can't do that. Trust me.

I think everyone needs to be less interested in themselves and more interested in me. I'm probably more interesting and I have cookies.

My neighbor's house burned down this morning. On the up side, their Christmas decorations are finally down.

If I ever join a dating site I'll have to lie about my hobbies bc I guess "enjoys how-to books on stalking & murder" makes people nervous.

The epitome of lazy is dragging a lamp into the bathroom after the very last bulb in the vanity finally went out.

Even when it's cold & snowing in NY, I take comfort in the fact that I don't live in a state that has a lot of snow AND Sarah Palin.

If you purchase a minivan, you are required to drive 10 mph under the speed limit in the left lane with your right blinker on. #Fact

Thanks to the show 16 & Pregnant, more moms than ever will be celebrating the day at Dave & Busters and crying themselves to sleep tonight.

We DO have a lot in common! You like darts...darts are sharp...I like sharp objects bc they're good for stabbing. Hey, where you are going?

Dear Kevin James, please stop making movies. Sincerely, America

"@newsday: Man arrested at JFK for trying to sneak in cocaine in a suitcase." Customs officials wondering if he's a special kind of stupid

"Clean up: Aisle 4" #fourwordsaftersex