I think cheese is my favorite vegetable

You know what's more interesting than football? Vagina.

I put the "dick" in "your girlfriend"

A nose job? My dick wouldn't fit in a nose.

That would suck if you were born with tastebuds on your butthole.

this was a shitty christmas

Don't sit there and try to tell me how to sit here when here is everywhere but there wait what? I'm high.

My soulmate will put chips in their sandwich.

Give me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around. Tits don't count. Don't even show those tits right now... Aight I'll stay.

If I'm following you on Twitter I'm most likely actually following you. While stroking it. (My stache)

If I had an afro I'd stick more than a comb in it.

"I'm gonna kill you" - Clowns

Just walked in on my dads having sex :(

"Fuck this shit" - guy telling someone to fuck some shit.

Why do people get mad just because i tell them I'm homophobic? Didn't think being afraid of homes was offensive.

No where in the constitution does it say that I can't walk into a McDonalds naked.

I just want a fat boob in my mouth sometime in the next week.

The WiFi isn't working on my iPod so I have to tweet from the computer like some Ethiopian kid.

Went to the store to buy condoms and the biggest size they had were Magnums. What the fuck?? I'm not 12.

Just found out that women's restrooms don't even have urinals. Where the fuck do they shit?